Breaking Through and Thriving in the Early Days of Separation and Divorce
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April 2022. As I sat amidst a colourful collage of discarded pizza boxes and empty £5 bottles of Pinot Grigio — the remnants of several weeks in which I had not really left my flat, let alone my sofa — the once vibrant colours of life had dulled and been replaced by a drab palette of melancholy and dread. The flickering glow of the television seemed to be all I had in the way of companionship as I began The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel for the countless time. Literally. Every night for weeks. The same film. A group of British pensioners, armed with witty one-liners and a second chance at life, build new lives in an eccentric Indian hotel that promises luxury but delivers a bit of a charming mess. In a strange way, it was as if I was watching my own life on screen, a mixture of laughter, heartache, and unexpected twists. Night after night I would immerse myself in their world, finding comfort and inspiration in their journeys, hoping to discover a spark of wisdom or a glimmer of hope amidst the chaos of my own profoundly painful love story. I think that for me the film was a reminder that even in the midst of heartbreak, life still has the power to surprise and delight. Or at least it would have if I had ever made it to the end of the film. More often than not I fell asleep in tears when Graham Dashwood, a gay high court judge, finds his first and only love again, only to die of a heart condition the next morning. There I was. Ugly crying, dribbling garlic dip down my t-shirt, and about to fall asleep on the sofa once again.
March 2022. I was Associate Dean at a midsized university near London, about to publish my third book and receive a promotion (nine months to the day after my separation began I became Dean, but that’s a story for a later chapter). For years I prided myself on being a diligent, hard-working academic. I meticulously crafted lectures, supervised student dissertations with great care, and presented my research at conferences around the world. My name appeared on numerous publications, a testament to my productivity and expertise. I had leaned into the Dark Academia trend before TikTok had even heard of it. It was a busy life, and I thrived in the intellectual challenges it offered because amidst the whirl of my professional activities, there was a pillar of support and comfort waiting for me at home: my husband. He was my rock, the one who cheered me up and gave me comfort when the burden became too heavy. Together we coped with the stresses and pressures that came with our careers, celebrated our victories, and weathered the storms. In my quest for knowledge and personal growth, I delved further into my study of psychology and psychoanalysis. In my spare time I had became a mindfulness teacher, a clinical hypnotherapist, a psychosynthesis coach, and even a civil and commercial mediator. I was convinced that I had the knowledge and tools to deal with all the possible emotional turbulence that life could throw at me. Little did I know that life had its own plans that would challenge my assumptions and turn my world upside down.
This chapter is about the immediate post-breakup period: the challenges you are likely to face, the things you need to deal with now and the things you should put off until later, and ways to take care of yourself during this time when even the JustEat driver and guy from the off-licence seem concerned about your well-being. These days will pass and the future will be brighter, but instead of trying to push away the heavy feelings you are experiencing right now, this time is about learning how to give yourself permission to feel those feelings.
You may have already passed this critical phase at the beginning of the journey through divorce and toward healing. In that case, you can look back and rejoice in the strength with which you got through it. But if things have not been so long for you — if you are still in the Pinot and Marigold Hotel (or whatever) phase — then I am here to accompany you on this journey.
Divorce is like being on an emotional rollercoaster ride you never signed up for, but it’s time to assess and acknowledge those feelings that are swirling around inside you. You’ve maybe never before felt the emotions that you are experiencing in the days and weeks immediately following the breakup, or perhaps they are more familiar and are resurfacing pain and disappointment from an earlier time in your life. Pushing away or denying these really hard emotions that can be coming up for you now doesn’t really make things better. It will just kick them further down the road (or, as Freud would call it, represses them) so that they will resurface in the future when you least expect it and in ways that you never could have imagined. It’s much better to tend to the pain and upset now, knowing that it will take time, but that by being honest with yourself and with others about your feelings right now, you are paving the way for a brighter future!
Emotions during divorce can be as unpredictable as a drag queen’s wardrobe (Sasha Velour’s wig reveal, anyone?). One minute you’re feeling the exhilaration of newfound freedom, and the next you’re drowning in a sea of sadness. One day you’re excited for the new opportunities that you have (e.g. ‘hurrah! Look at this whole new batch of guys on Grindr!’) and then next day you’re crying on the stairs while rereading the seven-year-long WhatsApp thread you shared with your ex. But more often than not, there might just be a sense of vague, indescript emptiness, where staring out the window or at Instagram is about the best that you can manage. It’s important to accept these feelings and remind yourself that they’re a natural part of the process. Strap yourself in, take a deep breath, and embrace the emotions as they arise. It doesn’t mean that they are going to last for ever.
Like a dilapidated ghost train at a probably-haunted fair ground, separation takes us on a death defying journey of twists, turns, halts, motion sickness, and whiplash. Managing these emotions is crucial as we embark on this wild ride. We both know that the emotions of divorce can be overwhelming, but by embracing them and learning to express and process them in a healthy way, you can begin to rebuild your life with strength and resilience. So, as we carry on, remember that your feelings are not your enemy. They are messengers that communicate important information to you about your needs, desires, and fears. Allow them to enter through the front door, but also give them permission to leave through the back door. This chapter will guide you on this journey of emotional exploration and give you the tools you need to navigate the challenges of divorce and set you on a path of healing and a better future.
What are you feeling right now? Can you name that emotion? Are you feeling like a fiery ball of anger, ready to burn down the world? Or perhaps you’re floating on cloud nine, basking in the glow of newfound release. Whatever emotions arise, it is time to give them their well-deserved place in the limelight. Be curious about the emotions as the arise. What colours or shapes can be used to describe them? What metaphors or images do they summon? Showing curiosity in emotions, strangely enough, doesn’t make them stay around longer — in fact, acknowledging emotions as the arise seems to actually make them dissipate more quickly! Remember, emotions come through the front door of your mind, but they can also exit through the backdoor.
Just like a house, our mind has a front door and a back door. Unexpectedly, emotions can knock on the front door and force their way into our lives without warning. It can be optimism that walks in with a whirl and a wink, or sadness that sneaks up with a quiet sigh. Like particularly discerning guests, these emotions demand attention and often feel at home, taking the stage in the living room of our minds. They can be overwhelming, intense, and sometimes very much unwelcome. But the beauty of it is that emotions also have an exit, a way out the back door. Of course, sometimes emotions can be a little dramatic and stay too long, like an uninvited guest. They can linger in the corridors of your mind leaving chaos in their wake. When it’s time to say goodbye to these uninvited emotions, you can wave them off.
Like actors making their West End debut, our emotions are eagerly waiting to take centre stage. They long to be acknowledged, expressed, and embraced. Whether you feel like a raging storm or a gentle breeze, pay attention to the nature of your emotional experience. Our emotions are working really hard to send us a message, so they don’t like being ignored!! Every emotion contains valuable information that will guide you on your journey of self-discovery and growth. Whether anger, joy, sadness, confusion or a kaleidoscope of mixed emotions, each should be noticed, acknowledged, and then let go. For every emotion there is a story to tell, a message to be understood. By acknowledging and expressing these emotions, you gain a deeper understanding of yourself and the inner workings of your heart and mind.
When you are going through the emotional journey of divorce, it is important to remember that your feelings are valid. Whether joy, sadness, anger, confusion, or a whirlwind of emotions: allow yourself to experience it fully rather than pushing them away or pretending that they don’t exist. Engage with your emotional world and allow yourself to feel, because it is through feeling that you will heal. Allow yourself to acknowledge and honour the emotions that come through the front door, but also remember that they do not have to stay forever. It is in your hands to let them flow out the back door, free yourself from them and create space for healing and growth.
Remember, the many complex emotions that will arise within you during divorce are valid and their expression is a testimony to your humanity. So let them flow freely without judging or inhibiting. Give voice to your anger and allow its flames to ignite change within you. Celebrate your joy and allow it to shine and spread its contagious energy. And in moments of confusion, embrace the uncertainty and trust that clarity will eventually come. Name them and allow them a moment in the spotlight but then let them filter away, as they absolutely will do. By playing this game of emotional charades, you gain insight, connection, and a deeper sense of yourself. And when the curtain comes down on each emotional scene, you can step back knowing that you have honoured your truth and given your emotions their rightful place in the grand performance of your life.
One model that can offer invaluable insights into the complicated emotional journey of separation is the famous Kubler-Ross model known as the five stages of grief. It was originally developed by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kubler Ross to help people understand and manage grief, but the principles of this model can be applied to various forms of loss and profound life changes, including the difficult process of separation and divorce. The Kubler-Ross model is an interesting an helpful framework to understand the wide range of emotions that occur during a separation, but it’s only a model and everyone’s journey through loss and change is different. Some will spend more time in one stage than the others; you might go through the stages in a different order or repeat some of the stages that you have already experience. But the Kubler-Ross model serves as a guide that can identify some of the key mile markers in the labyrinth of our emotions and provide at least some comfort and clarity that this pain is part of a process.
Denial:
The first stage of the Kubler-Ross model is denial, in which we can resist the reality of separation. This phase may manifest as disbelief or refusal to accept the reality of the situation. It is a protective mechanism that allows us to gradually process the overwhelming emotions associated with the separation. Like a homeowner who puts up a high fence around their house to keep out the outside world, denial acts as a temporary shield against the pain and upheaval. This can be a defence mechanism, a temporary refuge from the overwhelming truth. However, it is important to remember that denial is a natural part of the process and gives us time to gradually adjust to the new circumstances.
Anger:
As the reality of the separation becomes more apparent, anger is often a natural reaction and represents the second stage of the Kubler-Ross model.Anger can manifest itself in different ways: frustration, bitterness, rage, or righteous indignation. It can emerge like a raging fire that engulfs us and fuels our emotional response to the dissolution of the relationship. Like a tempestuous thunderstorm, it releases pent-up energy and provides a cathartic outlet for the intense feelings we are experiencing. The anger might be directed at oneself, one’s former partner, or events or memories, but it is important to remember that anger is a normal part of the healing process. Acknowledge your anger and express it in a healthy way, like opening the back door to let the storm pass through.
Bargaining:
Next comes the bargaining phase, where we may try to negotiate or look for alternatives to separation. It is characterised by a desire to regain what has been lost, to negotiate and find a way to restore the relationship. This phase can become desperate plea to restore what once was, and although there might be a sense of relief to be found in imagining the possibility of a future in which the decision to divorce could be changed, the bargaining stage simply denies the inevitable, clutching at straws and trying to rewrite the script of our lives. However, it is important to realise that while bargaining is a natural reaction, it cannot change the course of events, and that acceptance is ultimately the path to healing.
Depression:
When the initial shock wears off, the reality of the break-up can lead to feelings of sadness and depression. The fourth stage, depression, casts a heavy shadow over our emotional world and our lives. It is a phase of grieving and letting go of what once was. Like a dark cloud that refuses to dissipate, it envelops us in a deep sense of sadness and loss. We are overwhelmed by grief and mourn not only the end of the relationship, but also the dreams and plans we had imagined. Yet in this melancholic state also lies an opportunity for self-reflection, growth and ultimately acceptance. It is important that you allow yourself to fully experience these feelings, seek support, and nurture yourself during this difficult phase.
Acceptance:
The final stage of the Kubler-Ross model is acceptance. Here we find a glimmer of light amidst the shadows, a sense of peace and determination. Acceptance does not mean that we are untouched or indifferent; rather, it means a willingness to acknowledge the reality of separation and embrace the process of healing and moving on. It is about recognising that separation is a permanent part of life and accepting the new reality that lies ahead. Acceptance is not about forgetting or trivialising the pain, but about finding peace and moving on with strength and resilience. Like a traveller who has weathered the storm and emerges stronger, we realise that acceptance is an important step in reclaiming our lives.
Understanding the stages of the Kubler-Ross model will help you better understand your own emotional journey, enabling you to recognise that the emotions you are experiencing are part of a natural process, and that the emotions you are experiencing now will change and you will, following a duration of time that is perfectly right for you and for your process, reach acceptance.
Although the Kubler-Ross model presents these stages in a linear sequence, it is important to remember that the emotional journey of separation is never a neat and orderly path. Each individual’s experience is unique, and emotions may overlap or resurface at different points in the journey. We may move back and forth between stages, revisiting certain emotions and experiencing them with varying intensity. The model serves as a guide to give us direction and understanding, but it is important to honour our unique experiences and allow ourselves the flexibility to move through the phases at our own pace.
When we embrace the insights of the Kubler-Ross model, we gain a deeper understanding of the emotional terrain of separation. It allows us to recognise that our feelings are valid and part of a natural process. This model reminds us that healing takes time and that each phase holds its own lessons and opportunities for growth. Allow yourself to cry, to scream, to laugh, and to dance. Express your emotions in ways that feel authentic to you. You may find solace in journaling your thoughts, talking to a trusted friend, or even seeking support from a professional.
In times of stress and trauma — and divorce is definitely one of the biggest — sometimes the last thing one does is take care of their body. All that wine and pizza definitely didn’t do my body any good, which meant I seriously had to start taking better care of myself. After a few weeks of watching Maggie Smith and Judi Dench navigate life in Jaipur, I knew I had to do something about my own life.
The thing is, I realised early on in my divorce journey that I have trapped myself in a healthy unhealthy cycle. I was consuming vast amounts of junk food because I was depressed, and this junk food wasn’t providing me with the nutrients I needed to regain energy or confidence, so I spent another night eating unhealthy food. Eventually, I realised that only I could make the decision to start small by eating a healthy meal one night and then gradually building and renewing the confidence in myself that I could return to this healthy habit the next day too. It wasn’t an instant fix, but bit by bit I began to regain my physical strength, which over time would be essential to regaining my emotional strength.
Divorce can give you the opportunity to rebuild your life and rise like a phoenix from the ashes, but to rise you need to make self-care your top priority. Especially in the early days of separation and divorce, self-care isn’t a luxury, but a survival strategy that will help you get through the turbulent times of divorce with grace and poise. Your mental, physical and emotional health is worth every ounce of caress you can muster.
Nurture your mind, body, and spirit by committing to self-love. Engage in activities that bring you joy, be it a wellness day, a good book or a walk. Engage in activities that inspire your soul and ignite your passions. Whether it’s dancing like no one’s watching, belting out your favourite ballads in the shower or unleashing your creativity in art or writing, find out what brings you to life and make it a regular part of your self-care routine. Take luxurious bubble baths with scented candles, treat yourself to a spa day or simply put on your favourite mask and relax. Harness the power of self-care products to rejuvenate your body and nourish your soul. Don’t forget the importance of nourishing your body with healthy and delicious meals. Conjure up culinary masterpieces that nourish both your body and your spirit. Indulge your soul with food that makes your taste buds dance
But self-care isn’t just about pampering and indulging. It’s also about setting boundaries and saying ‘no’ when you need to. Guard your energy like a fierce watchdog and surround yourself with people who lift you up and support you. Surround yourself with a tribe of friends who celebrate your fabulousness and remind you of your worth. And when things get tough, don’t be afraid to seek professional support. A therapist or counsellor can provide a safe space for you to explore your feelings, gain clarity, and navigate the challenges of divorce with a strong sense of resilience.
Right now, imagine yourself sipping a soothing chamomile tea in a Zen garden, surrounded by fragrant flowers and serene calm. Close your eyes for a few minutes and really allow yourself to experience and enjoy that calm moment. Probably without knowing it, you just did a mindfulness exercise, and mindfulness can become one of your most valuable tools for selfcare and support during your journey toward acceptance.
I’ve been practising mindfulness for more than two decades, exploring the depths of this practise and even training to become a mindfulness teacher. Little did I know that this journey would become an invaluable asset as I face the challenges of my own separation. During the early days of my seperation, I was a few weeks into teaching an 8-week mindfulness-based stress reduction course a group of bright psychology doctoral students. I struggled to formulate coherent sentences and hesitated, but eventually decided to deliver the course. It turned out to be one of the best decisions I made at that early stage of the divorce.
Mindfulness invites us to recognise and acknowledge our emotions when they arise, and in a group we have the wonderful opportunity to share our experiences authentically. I considered putting on a brave face and pretending everything was fine, but I knew authenticity was key. So I told the class briefly and honestly that I was going through a divorce — a difficult time in my life. I didn’t share all the details reserving that for my trusted friends, but I also didn’t deny the rawness of my experience at that moment. In the weeks that followed, I continued to teach the course and take small steps towards healing. During this time, my personal meditation practise remained a constant companion. It offered me comfort, guidance and strength when I needed it most.
But what exactly is mindfulness? Mindfulness is the art of savouring all the moments of life — the good and the bad — while remaining fully present, without judgement. It’s about embracing the here and now with an open heart and mind. Imagine basking in the warm light of a sunset and feeling the gentle breeze on your skin. Mindfulness is the state of happy awareness in which you observe your thoughts and sensations with curiosity and acceptance. It’s a practise that nourishes your soul, cultivates clarity, resilience and compassion. It’s about cultivating an open awareness where you observe your thoughts, feelings and sensations with genuine curiosity and acceptance. Through mindfulness you can develop deep clarity, resilience and compassion for yourself and others.
Here are a few mindfulness exercises that can support you on your journey through divorce:
Mindful breathing: Find a quiet place where you can sit comfortably. Close your eyes and focus your attention on your breath. Pay attention to the feeling of the breath flowing in and out of your body. When your thoughts wander, gently bring your attention back to the breath. Practise this for a few minutes each day to anchor yourself in the present moment and cultivate a sense of calm.
Body scan: Lie or sit in a comfortable position and draw your attention to different parts of your body, starting with your head and slowly moving down to your toes. Notice any areas where you feel tense or uncomfortable without judgement. Breathe into these areas and allow them to relax and let go. This exercise promotes self-awareness and helps you reconnect with your physical sensations.
Mindful journaling: Take time to write down your thoughts and feelings related to your divorce. Do this with a non-judgmental attitude and allow yourself to express your feelings freely. Pay attention to any patterns or insights that emerge from your notes. This exercise encourages self-reflection, self-expression and emotional processing.
Sensory awareness: Be fully aware of your senses in the present moment. Take a mindful walk in nature, paying attention to the sights, sounds and smells around you. Practise mindful eating, savouring each bite and noticing the tastes, textures and aromas. These activities help you to anchor yourself in the present moment and connect with the richness of your sensory experiences.
Remember that mindfulness is a practice that requires patience and consistency, just like knitting or mastering the perfect negroni. Start with small steps, such as a walk through a rose garden, connecting your whole awareness to the sights, smells and sounds, and gradually integrate other guided meditation practises into your daily routine. Believe me, with mindfulness as your faithful companion, you’ll navigate the challenges of divorce with renewed clarity, self-compassion and emotional well-being.
The rest of this book is finely spiced with some of the key insights of mindfulness-based cognitive therapy (MBCT). MBCT is often used to help people suffering from depression and anxiety, and is also well applicable to the challenges of divorce. Think of MBCT as your faithful assistant, guiding you through the stormy waves of emotions and helping you to regain your inner strength. Think of it as a blend of mindfulness and therapy, a cocktail of self-awareness and cognitive restructuring. It’s the ultimate recipe for finding inner peace and freeing yourself from the grip of negative thoughts and feelings. With MBCT you’ll discover how to tame your unruly mind and dance to the rhythm of self-empowerment.
In this book you’ll find the wisdom of MBCT subtly woven into the pages where we dive deeper into cognitive restructuring, where you’ll discover how to challenge and transform those pesky negative beliefs that have been holding you back. We explore techniques to observe your thoughts and emotions with a compassionate eye so you can free yourself from the shackles of negative self-talk. You’ll learn to befriend your mind even when it insists on playing a melancholic dirge. Think of it as a glamorous makeover for your mind — a chance to let go of old patterns and adopt a more combative and confident outlook on life.
But remember that mindfulness isn’t a one-time makeover. So as you embark on this journey of self-discovery, be patient with yourself and allow the magic of mindfulness to unfold gradually. We’ll explore the art of loving kindness, where you shower yourself with radiant self-love and extend that love to others. With its help, you’ll cultivate your resilience, tap into your inner wisdom and emerge from the challenges of divorce a true phoenix, ready to conquer the world. Remember: mindfulness isn’t just a tool, but a way of life, a shimmering jewel in your treasure chest of self-care. The road may be winding, but with mindfulness as your compass, you’ll find the strength, grace and inner peace you deserve.
Divorce may feel like the end of an era, but I am here to tell you that it is also the beginning of a fabulous new chapter in your life. Divorce has a habit of shaking things up and forcing us to re-evaluate our lives. But instead of dwelling on what was, let us focus on what can be. Look at this moment as an opportunity to reinvent yourself, spread your wings and soar to new heights. In the later chapters of this book, we will learn much more about how to get back on track and begin to live a new reality. But for now, in these dark, early days of divorce, just allow yourself to accept the possibility that the future will not only be different, but better! Embrace the unknown with open arms and an open heart, and trust that the universe has something incredible in shop for you.
The phoenix is a symbol of resilience, of rising from the ashes with grace and beauty. You, my dear, possess the same resilience. As you enter this new chapter of your life, remember that you have the power to create the life you desire. Take a moment to appreciate the journey you have been on, to acknowledge the growth and lessons learned. Embrace the strength that has brought you to this point, for it will carry you into a future filled with endless possibilities.
If if it feels hard at first, why don’t you spend just a moment or two imagining what your brighter, better future might be. Close your eyes and let your imagination run wild. What does your ideal life look like? What dreams have been waiting patiently in the wings and are ready to take centre stage? Take a moment to reflect on your passions and aspirations that may have taken a back seat during your marriage. Whether it’s travelling to faraway destinations, pursuing a new career or diving headfirst into a creative project, let your heart’s desires guide you. Don’t rush into any major changes in your life just yet, but in the coming weeks and months, once you have processed the divorce, you’ll have the chance to create the life you have always imagined, so dream big and pursue those dreams with unwavering determination. The chapters ahead will guide you through planning and implementing the next stage of your life.
Let us not forget the most important part of this journey: yourself. In the midst of marriage, we sometimes lose sight of our own individuality and put our needs and desires on the back burner. It’s time to rediscover the real you and celebrate your unique being. Take a moment to refocus on the things that make you shine, the hobbies, interests, and quirks that make you so wonderful. Maybe it’s a passion for art, a love of cooking or a penchant for extravagant style. Embrace these sides of yourself unapologetically and enjoy the joy of rediscovery.
Divorce is a challenging and upsetting experience, but it is also an opportunity for you to evolve into the magnificent being that you are. Embrace change with open arms and a fighting spirit. Set new goals and reignite your passions by filling every moment with the spark of your fabulousness. Celebrate your individuality and discover the beauty of being fully yourself. Remember that you are a force to be reckoned with. Let your light shine brightly and illuminate the path to personal growth and rediscovery. Take this journey with courage, grace and a healthy dose of fabulousness. And always remember: you are capable of extraordinary things. The world is yours to conquer, one fabulous step at a time.
Remember that rebuilding and reinventing your life is a journey, not a destination. Be patient and kind to yourself as you navigate the twists and turns. Allow yourself to evolve and grow because life is a beautiful smorgasbord of experiences. Embrace the unknown with a sense of adventure and curiosity, knowing that each step forward brings you closer to the extraordinary life you deserve. As you spread your wings and soar into this new chapter, know that you are never alone. Seek support when needed, whether from friends, family or professionals who specialise in guiding souls through times of transition. Surround yourself with love and encouragement and draw strength from the knowledge that you have the power to create a life that is authentically you.
So, my fabulous friend, seize the opportunity to redesign and reinvent your life. Give free rein to your dreams, for they are the fuel that propels you forward. Create a vision that ignites your soul, my dear, and set healthy boundaries that honour the incredible person you are. Celebrate the journey and the remarkable resilience within you at every step. You are the artist of your own life, my dear, so paint it with bold strokes of love, passion and reinvention. Your future awaits you and it shimmers with endless possibilities.
